[FYI] (Fwd) FC: A Savage plan for a gentle America: New York Mean Time

["Axel H Horns" <horns@ipjur.com>]

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Date sent:      	Thu, 5 Sep 2002 15:23:47 -0400
From:           	Declan McCullagh <declan@well.com>
To:             	politech@politechbot.com
Copies to:      	madcowculture@madcowculture.com
Subject:        	FC: A Savage plan for a gentle America: New York Mean Time
Send reply to:  	declan@well.com

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[satire]


http://www.madcowculture.com/madcow-00100.html

A Savage Plan for a Gentle America: New York Mean Time
September 5, 2002


The popular radio talk show, the Savage Nation, has proposed that it
is not enough for the US to squander most of the earth's resources,
bully the rest of the world, and invade any country that disagrees
with it. A superpower should actually be the center of the universe.

Even the Savage Nation would not recommend we turn Newtonian physics
on its head and put the earth at the center of the solar system. Even
right wing talk radio wouldn't go that far. But host Michael Savage
does recommend that, given the power, money, and supremacy of the US,
we need another concept of time that celebrates American dominance.

Savage argues that it makes sense that America should bring sense and
order to time, the most metaphysical of notions. When the world was
Christ-centric, the calendar started with the birth of Christ.  This
was all very good while Christianity was in flower. But even then,
Moslem, Hebrews, Chinese, and Buddhists were following different
calendars The Moslem calendar begins in 622 with the flight of
Muhammad from Mecca to Medina and this is the beginning of the age of
Hizdra for Moslems. Emperor Constantine pronounced that the world
began in 5508 BC and that is good enough for the Greek Orthodox Church
which follows that calendar.

For Savage all this is mumbo jumbo, relative, and confusing. "Wars
have been fought over religious calendars and millions of people have
been killed. We need a bona fide secular calendar, devoid of all
religious impulses. We need to bring an antiquated world into real
time. We need to bury much of the chronological past that really is no
more than a celebration of mayhem. We need modern measures and tools.
We need a concept of time that is no longer subjective. We need an
American time. After all, America is the center of the universe. We
hold the power.  Why not put the world on the American clock."

Savage does not suggest we rewrite history as we invent new
timepieces. On the contrary, he suggests we "by and large ignore
history, especially involving the effeminate French and English kings.
Keep Shakespeare and a few noisy Germany composers but the rest should
go in the box with old Swiss watches."

For all the hyperbole this is offered as a serious proposal. The first
suggestion is to change the Prime Meridian. "After all", Savage asks,
"why should Greenwich, England any longer be the prime meridian. That
was ok as long as England was a global power and the sun never set on
the British Empire. Now it never even comes up in Greenwich.

"I recommend that the Prime Meridian be moved to New York. Let's put
it right down the middle of Ground Zero so all our enemies will know
where our time begins. Instead of a polite English voice announcing
the hour, we will use voices of the survivors of the terrorist attack.
And every year, on the precise anniversary of the attack, we will stop
time for a few minutes to honor the dead and force the whole world to
mourn with us, whether they like it or not.

"Sure the cartographers will be busy drawing new maps which, to
emphasize our relative power, will show the US in the center of the
chart and the other countries, especially those where Muslims and
other terrorists live, appropriately small. Countries belonging to the
Axis of Evil will be colored Black, while the America will be colored
Green and White, symbolizing our hope and optimism. We will leave out
countries we don't recognize or those that annoy us. If countries are
not on the map, their representatives will not be allowed to attend
United Nations functions in New York. No country, no visa, no
speeches. This will keep a lot of freeloaders, who park illegally, out
of the US."

According to Savage, other activities will naturally follow. "American
Time (AT) will begin September 11, 2001. Everything before that will
be considered Before American Time (BAT). American Time will start
with Year One. There will be no zero as that is negative and America
should not associate itself with the term. Before American Time will
extend to 1776, the start of the American experience. American
textbooks should not find it necessary to deal with events before this
date.

"America should not give aid to countries that do not accept the
concept of American Time. This includes Israel. Evangelical Americans
should not have difficult with this idea as it is generally recognized
that god created America and has a covenant with this great nation.
America will still be a place of religious tolerance as long as the
various sects throw out their dangerous and musty religious calendars
and accept this country as the center of the universe."

Savage realizes there is considerable subtlety to establishing a New
World order of American Time. He notes that "any changes must include
changes in how time is perceived; that is the psychology of time. In
order for the rest of the world to think like us, they have to be on
our clock and our time. In other words we want the world awake when we
are awake, and sleep when we are asleep. Obviously, this arrangement
will require some adjustments in sleeping habits but world peace is
well worth this effort and deprivation.  It is important that we are
able to keep an eye on these people.

"We are particularly interested in the rest of the world, including
Europeans, getting on our work schedule. This means they will have to
get used to longer working days and fewer vacations. If Europe doesn't
like it, we will import Disneyworld to the entire European Union."


"America has the technology and know-how to actually intervene in
Nature. Scientists are actually examining ways to slow down the
earth's rotation around the sun, this giving the US the option of
creating longer working days or shorter winters. We will probably be
able to stop the sun over certain countries-such as Iraqand raise the
ambient temperature to 150F, which is even too for desert rats. That
will take the mustard out of the Elite Republican Guard.

President Bush is scheduled to address the nation shortly about
rewriting American time, history, and ontology.

The idea came to him while on holiday in Texas.

###



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