[atlarge-discuss] Ivins: Happy Birthday, America!

[Jeff Williams <jwkckid1@ix.netcom.com>]

All fellow members and fellow Americans,

>From AlterNet -- http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16327

Happy Birthday, America!
By Molly Ivins

AUSTIN, Texas  Happy birthday, America! Two-hundred twenty-seven years
old and still ready to boogie 'til we puke. What a great country.
Another
glorious year in the land of the free and the home of the brave, with
onlythe usual idiocy attendant.


As you may recall, we are fond of celebrating in this space not the
majesty, not the glory, but the sheer improbable bliss of life in 
a free country. Every Fourth, we reserve this space to praise not 
the mighty, but to recognize the general, ordinary goodness and 
slight absurdity of all of us regular citizens. Our motto is the 
poet Marianne Moore's observation, "It is an honor to witness so 
much confusion."


I'd like to begin by thanking rural Texans for their natural assumption
that Osama bin Laden is called "Osama-Bin," as though he had two front
names, like Billy Bob or Jerry Jeff. The virtue czar turned out to be a
gambling addict. The House of Representatives decided to rename French
fries Freedom fries. Fox News calls itself "fair and balanced."
Fifty-one Texas legislators fled to Ardmore, Okla., to break a quorum, 
where they were sought by the Homeland Security Department. Bushism of 
the Year (so far) on May 19: "First, let me make it very clear, poor 
people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not 
rich doesn't mean you're wiling to kill." In other words, only the 
normal lunacy.


Since I adore people with harmless passions, I'd like to salute the
bicycle racers who cross Iowa  not to mention Austin's own Lance
Armstrong the people who compete in chili cook-offs, the barbecue 
competitions, bake-off entrants, backyard grillers and the judges 
at the wine-tastings of this great nation. (We know you only sip 
in the slightest fashion.)


Here's to all the Little League baseball coaches, soccer moms,
volleyball mothers, PeeWee Leaguers, Golden Gloves and Special 
Olympics participants.  Here's to everyone involved in putting 
on the Mullet Toss, the Turkey Trot, the Watermelon Thump, the 
Fire Ant Festival and all the other civic fandangles that enrich 
our communal life.


In saluting highly irregular Americans, we'd like to recognize the
service of the Houston woman who ran over her husband (several times) 
because he was cheating on her. That should cut down on adultery. 
(The price of gasoline in Texas has got so high, women who want to 
run over their husbands have to carpool.)


Here's to all the hairdressers who donate free time and service 
at homes for the elderly to make the old ladies look great; here's 
to the dentists who fix poor kids' teeth for free; here's to everybody 
who runs and walks in all those "Runs and Walks for Whatever"; here's 
to the Billion Bubba March and the folks in Minnesota who stood outside 
an absurdly unscientific speech with duck hats and duck callers to 
protest "quack science."

Here's to everybody who gets together with everybody else to fix
whatever-it-is, and has fun doing it  citizen activists are the soul of
this country.


I'd also like to speak to you this Fourth about patriotism. We've got
some patriots here who are enough to give the word a bad name. 
Their ugly side is always brought out by war: the professional-patriot 
bullies have never been able to distinguish between dissent and 
disloyalty. In WWI, we had citizens who used to go around kicking 
dachshunds, on the grounds that they were "German dogs." You notice 
people like that never go around kicking German shepherds.


John Henry Faulk's late Cousin Eddie was an unreconstructed 
reactionary. He had a sign over his mantel that said, 
"Robert E. Lee Might've Give Up, But I Ain't." When Johnny 
challenged Eddie during Vietnam, saying
dissent was part of patriotism, Eddie replied, "Dis-sent? 
Hell, yes, I believe in the right to dis-sent! H'it's in 
the Constitution! What I can't stand is all this criticism! 
Criticize, criticize, criticize. Why don't they just 
leave Lyndon alone and let him fight his war in peace?"


The current situation in Iraq reminds me of yet another of Cousin
Eddie's immortal observations, "If them Veetnamese don't like what 
we're doin' for 'em, why don't they just go back where they come from?"


On the whole, I prefer not to be lectured on patriotism by those who
keep offshore maildrops in order to avoid paying their taxes.


But let's leave contention aside for a day and celebrate us. Among my
favorite harmless passions is birdwatching, and I recently had the
opportunity to bird (it is a verb in those circles) a bit in Idaho.
Naturally, I had no idea what I was doing  wound up admiring a yellow
leaf for several minutes under the impression it was an oriole, 
missed several eagles and would have ignored a burrowing owl 
had it not swooped in front of my face.


At one point, as were looking into the Snake Canyon, a flock of
something startled out from just underneath us. "What the hell 
was that?" I cried.  I cannot tell you the perfect courtesy 
with which the closest birder turned, utterly deadpan, and 
replied, "Pigeons." Don't tell me Americans have no 
manners.


I'd like to salute Bubba for the usual number of flat tires he has
stopped to help people with this year. This reminds me to salute the
weekly,
half-hour cable TV program dedicated solely to extra stuff you can buy
for your pick-up. Also a perennial fave, the cable show "Working Out for
Jesus With Beverly," about Christian fitness. I suspect Ken Starr, 
who reports singing hymns while he jogs, is a devotee.


A special salute to dog-lovers, cat-lovers, bird-lovers and
animal-lovers generally. Bridge-players, golfers, people who 
have their palms read, Jennie Craig dieters, quilters, 
self-improvers everywhere, people who take salsa and line-dancing 
classes, home-tomato-growers, everybody whose garden produces 
too much zucchini (something to knit us together in this variegated 
nation) and those who are found at the Jiffy Mart at 2 a.m.,
buying stuff that is bad for their health. I love you all. 
It is, still, a great nation. 

Molly Ivins is a syndicated columnist who lives in Texas.


Regards,

--
Jeffrey A. Williams
Spokesman for INEGroup LLA. - (Over 131k members/stakeholders strong!)
"Be precise in the use of words and expect precision from others" -
    Pierre Abelard
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CEO/DIR. Internet Network Eng. SR. Eng. Network data security
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E-Mail jwkckid1@ix.netcom.com
Contact Number: 214-244-4827 or 214-244-3801

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