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- To: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Subject: FYAmusement
- From: email@example.com (Wolfgang Bartsch)
- Date: Sat, 21 Sep 96 19:54 MET DST
- Comment: This Message comes from the debate mailing list.
- Sender: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: UK recruiting Usenet censors
From: email@example.com (Derek)
Newsgroups: demon.service, uk.legal, alt.censorship, uk.net
What will they think of next?.....
Applications are invited from suitably qualified candidates to join a
a specialist team of Usenet Censors being set up by the Metropolitan
Police Clubs and Vice Unit. Successful applicants will have the
opportunity to work with leading edge Censorship Technology (CT)
equipment developed in the Met's own forensic science laboratories.
In order to identify the broadest range of pornagraphic material,
Clubs and Vice are seeking to establish a pool of censors posessed of
a wide variety of sexual predilictions. Accordingly, they require
candidates whose sexual preferences fall into the following main
groups: men, women, boys, girls, arm pits, big toes, little toes, and
aubergines. This is not an exhaustive list and candidates who believe
they have a particular vice which is not represented in the list
should reply in confidence stating why they think it should be
included. Evidence of depravity or corruption is desirable but not
Remember, by becoming a Usenet Censor you can turn your perversion to
Successful candidates will operate from a newly constructed censorship
suite in the basement of Clubs and Vice's Agar Street headquaters.
Each censor (all male) will sit at a personal workstation which will
be running sophisticated detect and destroy antisalaciousness
interactive software. Interactivity is provided by an advanced
electrodynamic condom. The condom, fitted with electrodes, responds to
changes in erectile pressure and gives a readout from 0 to 1 depending
on the state of penile arousal. Nicknamed the 'hardonmeter', the
apparatus is extremely sensitive and boasts an accuracy of .001 of a
Images from submitted Usenet articles are displayed on the
workstation console whilst a Bouncy Blue Blob dances over the image
under the control of the software. An ingenious algorithm optimises
the size and position of the Bouncy Blue Blob to achieve a minimum
reading from the hardonmeter. The Bouncy Blue Blob is then fixed into
place with some cyberglue and the sanitised article is passed for
general distribution by the kingdom's ISP's.
Application forms are obtainable from your local job centre.